the Florida Man is a bit of an enigma. He is the frayed fabric of a worn tobacco ring in his left back pocket. He lives in the breeze that goes through your hair while doing donuts on an ATV. He is the slight echo in the air when someone says, “Hey, watch’is!” He is Florida, and Florida is him. Do not confuse him with your average male resident of Florida: Florida Man is a brand.
Every day there is a story that involves one of them shooting something or screaming incomprehensible babble in a Natural Light addled rage before getting arrested. And while we all may have a little bit of shame for our hometown stories, we can always rest assured that at least we aren’t from Florida, unless you are from Florida, in which case, we’re keeping you in our thoughts.
To honor the Florida Man, we have compiled a list of his most absurd headlines from this year. Granted, all of these should be treated as allegations. While we are treated to the idea that a Florida Man, say, exposed himself in the Walmart pillow aisle, we will not be treating it as if it’s fact. That is between the Good State of Florida and the Florida Man to decide. But allegations do not keep us from laughing to ourselves. So put in a lipper of Skoal and settle into the nearest papasan chair because we have some headlines to discuss.